Ladies and gentlemen, I have gas. I don't mean that inconvenient, tiny little toot, giggle behind your hand gas. I mean hot air balloon gas. Eighteen wheeler gas. Gas that makes your stomache pooch out and rumble so loudly that you have to convince people that you are not possessed and not about to give birth to a gurgling alien creature. This is gas that no amount of back bends or medication or trips to the can seem to alleviate. And, why, you may ask, am I so privileged to have such biblical, awe inspiring gas? Because I am trying to eat better. That's it. Too much produce, too much whole wheat, too much health. Evidentally, crap was working for me. Eating crap made it alot easier to...well, to crap. I hope my body can adjust to this new "healthy" way of eating. Big Macs were working for me. Just kind of slide right on through. And by the way, who the hell invented the probiotic yogurt? It's disgusting. What is it and why do I need it? Is it fighting in my body with the antibiotics? But, more importantly, is it giving me gas? As you can see, I'm a little distracted. Hope you'll keep tooting...I mean, tuning in.